Don't Mind If I Fake It!

I consider myself an actress. Where's the fun if you can't add a few, "oh baby", "do it faster", "don't stop", "you're the best I've ever had".

My boyfriend before the sick bastard himself was a total asshole. He was a hot ass but still an asshole. I put up with the relationship because he was hot but the sex was just plain. Just so he wouldn't ask questions like, "how was I?" or "am I the best you ever had?", I would scream out all sorts of obscenities during sex. He appreciated it. I'd would only have sex at my place because some guys like to videotape the sex and show it to all their friends so I only had sex at my place. I put a mirror on the ceiling and another mirror further away so that it could reflect. So when the sex was bad I would turn on the TV and watch it on the mirror while "faking it". I had closed caption and everything. The sex would usually end within a couple of minutes and the guy would fall asleep for the rest of the night. Sometimes I would accidently laugh while I was having sex. I would try and cover it up with a loud moan.

When I was in high school I went out with the classic football jock guy. He was slow, but sweet. He took me to Wendy's on our first date. I have to admit, he tried. He brought a bouquet of broccoli with him to give to me. I didn't know if it was a joke or if he was serious. I smelled the broccoli and smiled. What was I doing here, I kept asking myself. Then I looked to his beautiful blue eyes and beautiful lips which opened and burped. I had it. I went into the bathroom and called my friend to pick me up. When she arrived I snuck out the door and ran to her car. I had the unfortunate displeasure of sleeping with him after drinking too much at a party a few weeks later. All I remember was his face turning red and his entire body starting to shake. I thought he was going to explode. I slowly started to grab something to knock him out but he finished whatever he was doing and fell on top of me. After that I must've passed out with all the weight on top of me. I think he followed a few seconds later. After spending most of the day in a bath I still felt like I smelled like him. I never drunk again for weeks. I could never look him in the face again. Just the thought of him naked on top of me was enough for me to give up on men and go lesbian. Never again.

One guy I dated was so cute. He was the deep emotional guy that never talked but looked so sexy. He would always take pictures of me. When I eventually made it to his place and I saw his bedroom I noticed that one side of his wall had all pictures of me and another side had a giant painted picture of me. Romantic? a little. Creepy? oh yeah. He told me that he needs to experience this relationship on a deeper physical level. Funny, all guys seem to say that? Besides the pictures, he had cartoon character sheets. I was flattered and I told him that I can't be with a guy this infatuated with me. He said ok and I walked out. The next day I noticed him following me taking pictures of me. This lasted for about a week. I knew the break up was too easy. I eventually kicked him in the nads and he got the message.

But my boyfriend, I have to say I never had to fake it. He's perfect and I wouldn't change a thing, except his hair.

I have a million stories from all my friends that are so funny. I'll get around to posting some of them eventually.