I reveal to my boyfriend that my past is something I had known would come back to haunt me.
"I Love You", I say whispering into the cold bitter wind. "I don't want to hurt anymore." I wake up in cold sweats reliving the nightmare I once thought I could forget. I bring myself to the truth, which is I can never let go of this permanent mark of innocence lost on my behalf. I can never forget it but I can now live with it.
"I Love You". What is this pain I speak of? I speak as if it stands for something positive. I will never tell for it's my secret of pain that will haunt me until the day that I die. I shed a tear for every night I had to deal with this hardship. The burden is hard but it is mines and mines alone. My back aches with the weight of this burden. Who can I tell? How can I lift this burden?
"I Love You". I can't take this anymore. The words fill every last breath inside my lungs. My heart breaks and mends itself over and over again and I can't take it anymore! I begin to shake and I can barely hold the cup of tea that I made hours ago that I can't seem to drink. I decide to take a walk down the broken sidewalk with the broken bricks holding my broken heart.
"I Love You". I stop and look around as if somebody was following me. I can't live life like this. If I tell anybody then people will think I'm crazy and will cast me aside as if I was a used tissue. Society would look at me as if I was a shell. A shell meaning that I was happy once but now I prefer to comfort of the darkness for it's my sanctuary. It's my only way out of this nightmare and for the darkness is my light at the end of the tunnel.
"I Love You". Words that are bitter and hurts my eyes to see, I feel like they are made to feel emotion. My emotion for those words are empathy and loss. I can't forget that day, I can't forget what happened to me. Words so trusting and so hurtful. I will never feel the words true meaning ever again. I shed another tear, not for the hardships but for the goodtimes. What goodtimes? The goodtimes never happened so I make them up but it always comes back tragic.
"I Love You". I feel nothing on this early Monday morning. Growing older and feeling deathly boring. I dream of a life of not remembering, but continue to die inside without useless pondering.
"I Love You". I don't want to cry anymore. Days have passed but inside it feels like years. My chest hurts today, I feel something in the air. Could the pain be ending soon? I can only hope. Or is the only way out of this pain is through death. If I must die than I must die. Memories of pain will end and I will be happy or so I have imagined or so I hoped.
"I Love You." What? Am I not here to feel this anymore? Am I now deaf from something I grew to hate? Is my soul raped and trapped beneath layers of guilt? But am I guilty for something that happened to me? For it is you that made me this way. I never would love again.
"I Love You." Must you continue to haunt me! I have given myself up to you! I have no soul to give! It was given up long ago! It's nothing left inside of me but the darkness that you put in! How can you forget it! I've been slowly gorging myself on hate for so many years! It has turned my heart dark and cold with nothing left to stop it from beating pain! It pumps MY blood and MY pain and MY burden continuously! I will never let you forget this! Let my memories forever haunt you!
"I Love You". It's time.
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4 comments:
Wow, that's deep. Makes me feel all warm and soft inside.
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just wanted to say that u are not alone.. i feel ur pain and understand it for i too have felt this way.. iv read some of ur posts and was amazed at how very similar they were to some of my own writings.. which i keep hidden away in a journal. writing this stuff down helps me find meaning in the darkness.. but lately iv been just thinking of giving up. best of luck, all my love, chrissy
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